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diary

7/30/2026

Nothing much to say! Since my vacation has been cancelled, I've just been working as usual, so I'm tired as usual... I joined an itchio jam, I think I may make a kinetic visual novel for it or a comic, we shall see!

I do my best to stay positive, but my mind wanders so easily and I go back to the things that hurt me. Not that it really hurts anymore, I just feel like I'm staring at it through a glass window.. Often, internally, do I compare the sense I have of my brain of my depression as a sort of hole that just gets wider. Like a waxing or waning moon, I guess!

I look in that hole all the time and I feel it so devoid, that I try to fill it up with words- And the act ends up more akin to building a whole frame and structure around it. Things that go in the hole, well, they just go in... I know how I felt when the hole first made itself clear, the rage and the disappointment I felt at myself- And that distinct feeling of loss. 'I lost a part of myself'.

But now, I think I have normalized it enough that it is just that. Normal. I think this isn't a healthy thing, but it is a thing I do nonetheless. I don't get mad at the gape, I don't get warm at the maw. I just look, and I acknowledge its presence. I throw my sadness, my grief in there, and I can feel the emotions wash over and past me instantly- Several times have I forgotten, then, what I was feeling and why. There's a funny dichotomy, in losing a part of yourself yet SPECIFICALLY knowing where/when you did lose those parts. To feel an absence of identity but being able to pinpoint what caused it- Will I be able to pinpoint when I gain a new identity again? Will I be happy be happy with the answer?

And if I'm not happy, do I throw it in the hole? Does it get wider? Will the hole be the new conscious, a crevice I'll curl into for the rest of my days? I don't know. I just think it will always be there. Even if I increased the dosage of my medication, that doesn't solve the issue, so it feels moot to do so...

I don't think I throw my body into the hole, but I let needles dig into my veins uncomfortably so that the bruises stay longer, because those acts are just close enough.

Am I selfish when I give to the hole... Probably not. The dichotomy! I DID have much to say! This is a relief off my shoulders, tonight. Writing all of this makes my head feel cold. I'm going to finish my night scribbling creative project ideas into my notebook. Thank you, thank you, thank you.