diary
8/19/26
Oh geez, it's been a couple of weeks! I think, two n' a half.... Some things have happened! One being: I had my first therapy consultation, secondly: I got accepted to a comic convention (With friends), thirdly: All of my wisdom teeth were pulled out!
This is ALOT!! Financially as well. I'll go through these in random order. I'm very excited about the comic convention acceptance, and committing myself to comic work again. I'll try my best not to hold myself to invisible expectations, but what's hardest of all will be holding myself to deadlines. I really wanted to get the script done in a week or two, but perhaps I should be more graceful to myself and give the month a shot! I also started reading The Incal to get my mind centered in comic-thinking, as the scripting lead me less visual imagination... But I'm a slow reader, that's for sure. I'm happy, either way. I've invited a couple of people to come visit to see the convention. I do really enjoy comics.
Therapy! Nothing much to say since it was a first consultation, initially I had entered it in order to tackle the long-lasting feelings of desolation and despair, the 'Hole' I mentioned in a previous diary entry. We've scuffed it up to how the work I do full-time is taking a mental toll, that the response to all the stress is a professional dissociation that's extended into something malignant. Thus, she suggested that I give myself more time to relax, and the like. She was happy to hear that I do journaling (Even if it is in blog form...), so here I am continuing it. I've also continued weaving this place-mat as a no-internet activity, and that's been extremely fulfilling in regards to having a project and seeing it towards visible completion. It's also been great for starting and finishing audiobooks! But back to therapy- I'll definitely have another appointment with her later this month. We think twice a month would be a good start to seeing how this therapy relationship will go. I'm looking forward to it for sure.
One thing that struck out to me during our conversation, was her re-affirming that I am indeed lonely. And not that the loneliness is necessarily a product of my nature, or something default of me- But rather, a choice. I was rather moved by it, because choices are actionable. I think I have always regarded loneliness as an art, as cheesy as that may be, but a philosophy of some sort. In the way that, philosophys are (Don't quote me on this) constructions of the mind, something intangible even if 'percievable'. I can see loneliness in myself, on me, on others, in others- But there's nothing to do about it, because it is an intangible state. But as an choice, as an action- Well, it feels more... Plausible, to deal with? Like I have been shaking the hand of loneliness (Or, staring at it to keep the themes), but I have the choice to do something with that loneliness, or do something about it. I don't really love being lonely. But, I don't have to let it become me, either? Who knows. We'll see!
I GOT ALLLL MY WISDOM TEETH PULLED OUT YESTERDAY. Four hour surgery! It was alot, I feel bad for the surgeons who were trying to keep me calm. But it worked out in the end. The pain, intersetingly enough, felt like terrible waves and knots. Oceanic, in a sense. I tried to convince myself that perhaps- If I forced myself to think it 'Felt good', it wouldn't hurt as bad. But four hours of it takes a toll, and I think the 'feel good' I was searching for was someone who could relieve me of the discomfort, or try to care. I was really holding onto myself, hugging myself, not because I was cold- But it was scary to be in so much pain and to have no one else to tell you it'll be alright. I feel silly saying this, especially since it was just a teeth extraction. But I felt really bad! And was like 'I wish I had a mother to hold me, right now', and 'Would it be silly to ask the surgeon to hug me?' The surgeons praising me kept me strong. One even caressed my cheek. He did shake my hand at the end. I almost cried, not from the pain, but the lack of physical comfort I've had in my recent years. Ah! Life...
Comfortable living is beyond me when I am alone! I hope I find someone. I don't need a lover. I just need someone. I believe in the kindness of others, I need to extend this to myself as well.
Until then...!